Hey guys. You’re probably reading this because you’re in a place you don’t want to be. That, or your wife has let you know you’re in a place you don’t want to be.
You might feel confused, apathetic towards life because of the cards you’ve been dealt, mad at God or about to run away from your responsibilities and promises. Or you may be grieving the loss of your child, or even grieving the loss of the possibility of becoming a dad.
Guys, we don’t normally talk about our feelings and certainly don’t say what I’m about to say. But this situation calls for it. Here it goes: Guys, my heart breaks for you.
Now before you stop reading this because I just got mushy and talked about my heart breaking for you, or before you curse at me because I can’t hear you and you may be thinking I’m insincere – writing this in some library nook or hipster café and not sitting next to you commiserating – I want to leave you with a thought:
You’re in a season of waiting, whether you like it or not. But the first thing about waiting that we’ve got to get into our heads is that waiting isn’t about waiting. Waiting is about learning to live while we wait on God.
“WAITING IS ABOUT LEARNING TO LIVE WHILE WE WAIT ON GOD.”
Don’t stop reading. Hang with me. Waiting really is about learning to live while we wait on God.
Does that sound like a bunch of unnecessary, unhelpful hogwash? Or do you maybe believe that in your head, but it’s just not sinking into your soul … into where the pain is … or into the way you approach today and tomorrow?
If you’re anything like me, I learn best through stories of other men I can relate to or learn from. So give me a few minutes to share a synopsis of three guys from the Old Testament Bible:
Abraham
(Read Genesis 12-17)
- God promised Abraham that his descendants would be as numerous as the countless stars in the sky. (See Genesis 15:5)
- Abraham and Sara knew that God’s promise depended upon them having children, yet they remained infertile for twenty five years!
- During this expanse of time, the Bible shows us many times where Abraham tried to take things into his own hands and control his own destiny (for example: sleeping with another woman to have a child, hoping that God’s plan involved a bloodline through his wife’s maid!) Whenever he doubted God, His promises and His love, Abraham had new consequences of his sins to deal with. However, God remained faithful to His promise to Abraham and Sara.
- Abraham is 99 years old when he and Sara finally have their firstborn baby, Isaac.
Joseph
Speaking of Abraham’s son, Isaac, his grandson has a waiting story of his own…
- Isaac’s grandson, Joseph, became known as “the dreamer” because he kept having these dreams of how he would ultimately save his entire family from dying and rule over them in some way. Yeah, that was his dream! Now, he’s the youngest of 12 at this point, and his dad really favors him. So his brothers are naturally pretty ticked that their little bro thinks he’s all that and then some. So one day when they’re really ticked at Joseph, they sell him to travelers as a slave and lie to their dad about it, saying he was killed by a wild animal. (You know, pretty normal sibling stuff.)
- Eventually, Joseph grows up and is this really handsome guy who is put in charge of managing this rich man’s household in Egypt. Things are looking pretty good for the boy who went from dreaming of ruling his own family to being sold into slavery. But this rich dude’s wife starts making these inappropriate passes at him, and when Joseph refuses, she figures out a way to put him in jail.
- Ah! Here he is, yet again, without freedom and in another season of waiting for his dreams to come true. One thing to remember is that God kept blessing Joseph in little ways during his journey. God didn’t take away his dreams either. In fact, He gave Joseph more wisdom and discernment in interpreting the dreams of others, which ultimately leads to the Pharaoh asking for his help. God blesses those interactions Joseph has with Pharaoh and because of the great wisdom displayed in Joseph’s advice, Pharaoh makes Joseph his second in command.
- Sometime later the whole Middle East falls into a food shortage, and eventually Joseph’s brothers have to come to Egypt to ask for food rations and they meet their brother Joseph in a way that ironically fulfills Joseph’s boyhood dreams.
- You should go read the full story in Genesis 37 through 50. Those 14 chapters make up my favorite story in the Bible.
- The point of this story is that waiting on his dreams to come true, Joseph, through trying circumstances and without his family, was a man who trusted in the Lord to provide. He trusted in a goodness that seemed to not be there. And he allowed the Lord to use these trials and waiting periods to strengthen him for his own good and for the good of others, including his family who had sold him. And he forgave all those who did him wrong along the way, ultimately forgiving his own brothers in his iconic statement, “what you meant for evil, the Lord meant for good” (paraphrased from Genesis 50:20).
David
David’s wait to become king of Israel (Read 2nd Samuel 7)
- God was preparing a new king for Israel to take the place of King Saul. God called David a “man after his own heart” (1st Samuel 13:14), however—even with God’s special blessing—it wasn’t easy for David to become king.
- David served a really oppressive and vengeful ruler while he waited on God’s promise (check out that story in 1st Samuel 16:14-23).
- Over the course of David’s life as a young man, he would flee for his life and write most of the Psalms of the Bible, including ones like Psalm 13 where he shouts at God for what feels like being forgotten by Him.
- David learned to live while he waited on God’s promise to be fulfilled.
- Eventually, David would become King of Israel and accomplish a lot of wonderful things for God, including preparing the way for his son, Solomon, to rebuild the holy temple in Jerusalem.
- David learned and lived a long lesson in abiding and believing.
Want to stop waiting? This blog is not going to help with that. This blog can’t say anything to give you what you need to shorten your wait time. The best thing you can learn in this season, in these minutes you’re spending reading, is that you need to learn to live well.
So how should we live while waiting on God? We wait and we walk the same way by which we were saved, “by grace through faith.” (That’s talked about in Ephesians 2:8). Grace and faith … therein lies the art of Christian living in all circumstances. God honors this obedience.
God doesn’t waste our suffering. Not any of it. Not an ounce. I don’t know if you believe that, but I’d encourage you to go through and read these Bible stories. They’re honest; oftentimes brutally so.
Just like you cut back shrubs to keep them healthy and looking good, God prunes and refines us. We are starting to look like His son, Jesus. We’ll never get there fully—just in case you’re comparing yourself mercilessly and beating yourself up for your failings. (By the way, that’s not what God wants!) But when we produce a metaphorical crop, like a shrub can produce berries or flowers, our lives benefit others ultimately bringing God glory. That’s living well … even in the waiting.
At whatever point this actually sinks in and starts to help you make sense of your suffering, you’re going to want to know how to love your wife well.
A friend of mine told me a story about how he was being impatient with his wife during their season of infertility. That season lasted eight difficult years. His impatience with her was rooted in his faith that God would provide and that they just needed to trust Him. Sounds like patience with God, right? Well, yes, it was, but it wasn’t showing God’s love and grace to his wife very well. His wife was hurting and devastated. When you’re in that kind of pain, you don’t necessarily have the energy or desire to think or react theologically.
A mentor asked my friend to imagine how Jesus would react to his wife if He were sitting on the living room sofa with her. What would He say? It probably wouldn’t be “woman, stop crying and trust me!” What would He do? I can’t say for sure, but I have a feeling Jesus would hug, weep or simply be with her while she mourned.
You might not know how Jesus would react. Maybe because you don’t know Him. Or maybe you know of Him, but you don’t spend any time with Him. I’ve got a way I want to share for you to get to know Him, and hopefully be as loving and gracious as Jesus would be.
Start by reading truths in God’s Word. Here are some places to begin:
- Psalm 89:201-37
- 1 Samuel 16:1-13
- John 15:1-11
- Ephesians 2:8-10
In this season, it’s best to…
- Wait. Wait well. Remember, you can’t control some things. And that’s normal. You can survive this through God’s grace and power. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” People may have used this Bible verse flippantly before. It’s not designed to pray before football games! It comes at the end of a letter one of the apostles was writing from prison when he was … waiting.
- Pray. Talk to God. No matter what you say, He wants to hear from the real you. That could be you just shouting at Him. In the Bible there’s a story of a man named Job. Satan took away his wife, kids, wealth, health, friends and much more. And God didn’t stop the suffering. Before God blesses him double Job records his frustration with God in Job 10:3: “How does this fit into what you once called ‘good’—giving me a hard time, spurning me, a life you shaped by your very own hands…” and a bit later in Job 16:6-7 he says, “I feel worn down. God, you have wasted me totally—me and my family!” (The Message paraphrase) And if that doesn’t give you the permission to be mad at God, I don’t know what does. I mean, don’t stay there forever. But there is a season for everything, and God would rather hear from you than not.
- Serve. Perhaps God is waiting on you. He might just be up to something in your life that you have zero awareness of because you’re focusing primarily on yourself, your wife and your grief. As harsh as it is to say this, God made us to glorify Him and not ourselves. This means that His standard for our living is different than that set by our culture. Want to get out of that mindset? Serve others. There are countless ways to do this, but we’ve put together a list of some opportunities local to Fort Worth, Willow Park and Burleson, Texas for you to take a look at as you consider focusing your energies on other things the Lord is doing outside of your own family.
- Trust. This is hard, but it’s what God wants and how God designed you before sin jacked you up. Proverbs 3:5 says “Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all.” (The Message paraphrase)
Don’t forget to love your wife well, and that means serving her without the privileges of leadership that you’re accustomed to in your life’s other roles. Sit with her. Cry with her. Lead her to what you think God has for your life as a couple as you learn to wait well together.
For more resources, visit www.waitwithme.org or email waitwithme@christchapelbc.org to ask questions or get connected with someone to talk to.